I am one of those unfortunately awkward people that awkward things always happen to; possibly a male version of Bridget Jones if you will although I don’t have a diary as I feel like ‘go to work, go home, watch Netflix, play with the cat’ doesn’t really require the use of a diary to organise. The one upside to this
is that people are often amused by my tales of awkward woe and it’s your lucky day because I’m going to share some of the most recent examples with you. Consider it a rare Monday treat if you will.
I was staying at a nice inn in Nantucket last week and I was making a cup of Earl Grey in the morning when one of the other guests entered the breakfast area. I am notoriously bad at small talk so I decided to stir my tea as fast as I could and get out of there before I had to exchange pleasantries with a stranger. The inn had those little wooden stirrers and I stirred my tea a little too vigorously, puncturing my teabag and turning my cup into a kind of snow globe for tea leaves. The British part of me was aghast at having wasted a good teabag and the lazy part of me recoiled at the idea of having to start from scratch. I involuntarily muttered “fuck sakes” under my breath only it wasn’t under my breath and I could tell the other guest had heard. I was terrified that she would think that I was swearing because someone else had shown up so I escaped as fast as I could. I never did get my cup of tea that morning.
As I have just said I am really bad at small talk, even when I have a golden opportunity to talk about something that should be really easy. For example when someone picked up on my accent and told me that they had been to England my response was; “oh cool, so have I!” Also when someone doesn’t understand my accent and thinks that I am from Australia (this happens more often than you’d think) I am usually too polite to correct them. This is fine until the person I am talking to wants to talk more about Australia and asks where they should go if they were to visit. I have a nightmare that one day I will stammer “well we’re pretty proud of the Sydney Opera House” before banning myself from every kind of conversation ever.
The other day at work I got in the elevator at the end of the day and was so busy thinking about being home that I didn’t notice that I had got in one that was going up and not down. Once I realised that it was going up to the top floor to save my blushes (there were two men in the lift already) I decided to pretend that had been my intention all along but of course they saw me get out and press the button to go down again. This was awkward so I said “just taking the tour” in my most confident tone and they looked at each other and then the elevator took ages to come so I stood there for what felt like an eternity until I could escape. Sometimes I feel like becoming a hermit would be a good life choice.
Do you have any awkward anecdotes that you’d like to share to make my Monday a bit less of a Monday? I’d love to hear them!